I have this recurring dream in which I am alone crying and she is telling my siblings that I am “hunted” and laughing at how “weak” I am. The sad thing is that it is also a recurring reality. It takes away your ability to realize things. It takes away your credibility to describe reality. You doubt your own judgement until you believe it; you are deeply flawed, hopeless and incapable of living.
The “game” was over many years ago, when you did the first mistake. It becomes you. You are mistaken. You deserve punishment until you stop making mistakes. You never seize making mistakes. The punishment shall continue until you become like “everyone else”. You are forgiven because he/she are so generous to forgive you and to give you a second chance. But yes, you will ruin it, and this will just reinforce their “prior knowledge” of the type of horrible person you are. Mistakes accumulate and punishments become consecutive that it becomes your daily routine.
You are a minor and dependent. You are expected to be “raised”. Even if you doubted their mighty judgement, no one would believe you. The words are limited and an outer prospective is nonexistent. But you manage to tell someone, anyone. They tell them, and another mistake is added to your unforgivable deeds.
Actually your “mistakes” become more of new material for them to use against you. Any information becomes so. They learn you fell out with your friend and suddenly they become supporters for your friend! Suddenly your enemy is their friend! Anything to “prove” that it is YOU who is so, deeply, truly f*cked up.
You should suffer until you become normal. Do not question it. Actually question it, to be more deserving for humiliation in secrecy. Become angry. Punished. Become sad. Punished for the lack of interaction. Become happy. You don’t deserve it.
Actually never be successful, because it would not fit the holy theory. If you could make it, you are just an extension of them. It is their punishment that led you to the right path. Or it is luck. Either way, she will never show up for your annual excellence ceremony. In fact, on that particular day, you will be punished like you haven’t been so in a long while.
All mistakes seem to revolve around their ego. It is not something you did wrong. It is how you did not respect them right. It is that look, that move, that thought they know you have of them.
They know they have of them.